the daily weeks of a sick girl
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin - "There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen."
Today is a Tangled Soundtrack kind of day. It started off inspiring as I bopped up and down and sang along, making note I really need to sing and dance more often, feeling like I can't wait to watch the movie again... but by the end of "When Will My Life Begin" tears were streaming down my face.
My boyfriend returned from his week long visit to Tokyo last night and I was so excited to see him. He told me of his adventures and brought me back a transparent disney princesses puzzle from the biggest Disney Store in the world... (or at least that he had ever been to), and I laughed and said, "Do you think I'm a disney princess?" and he said "Of Course! Your'e Rapunzel!"... now this is not a new thing but it does make my heart fly when I hear that because I love Tangled's story and really do feel like it's my own in a lot of ways.
Hence the inspiration to sing with Mandy Moore all morning.... and then the tears, oh the tears. I can't begin to explain what it is like to be a person with giant dreams and will power only to be tripping over the limitations of my physical body, unable to move like those nightmares where you try to run away but your legs feel like lead. The paradox between my desires and my actual ability to accomplish is hugely frustrating and maddening. My 20's have been miraculous and magical in so many ways, but mostly without any doing on my part. Sure I made the choice to go to grad school for Animation because I knew if I was gonna be ill I had to do something I loved (That was when I thought even though I was ill I could still work some day), and yes I got myself through grad school 45 minutes at a time even though I so lament not being able to make more of it than what I physically could, and yes I made the decisions to go wherever I need to go to have a safe place to rest my head while I let my body heal, but gosh oh golly it is taking such a long time, and sometimes it feels like the world is just moving right on by and I am here, sitting, waiting.
I don't feel as though I'm really WAITING for life to begin, life still happens without too much effort on my part. That's the magic of the universe. The universe brought me my best friends in the world. It brought me the love of my life. It brought me to travel the world, even though I didn't have the money or energy to do it, it still happened. My life is still full of meaning, and is very fulfilled, probably mostly due to my "gift" of being an introvert. My inner life is colorful, full of ideas, full of questions and curiosity, and full of depth. I am never bored, never uninspired, never feeling "lack". I always find miracles, always experience gratitude, and constantly make note of the magic and beauty in my life.
Though I'm not a religious person I can find such truth and such beauty in many religiously inspired teachings. In the parables of Jesus, Matthew 6:24-34 (Luke 12:24-27), it says: 25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' 32 For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.
I cry in recognition of these beautiful truths. I have seen so many seasons pass by on those days I have been too ill to do anything other than look out the window. This illness has taught me so much about a world, a different reality separate from the "rat race", a different path completely perpendicular to the constant seeking of comforts.
My carbon footprint must be close to nil. It's amazing how little you can survive off of when you aren't constantly consuming fashion, media, petrol, all the things we buy that we feel we need in some way. I'm not saying I don't love the luxury of life, I think you should milk it for all it is worth, the treasures of life WANT to be milked for all their worth; but I also want to impart my experience of not NEEDING it, not falling into the depths of a black hole if you cannot consume on a constant basis. It has been terrifying and freeing, mostly beautifully, wonderfully, all encompassing-ly freeing. Life doesn't end when you have to apply for benefits (or when you are denied those benefits). Life doesn't end when your bank account is empty. Life doesn't end when all your clothes are hand me downs and more than three years old. Life doesn't end when you go give up everything and move abroad... in fact that could be when it all begins. Please please please, enjoy all the worldly delights you can, but remember to ENJOY them. Be there with them and enjoy all the things that are truly free, too :).
I get most frustrated when I fall over in worship over my peers and heroes and their amazing contributions and life in the art and animation world. Matt asked me if I get sad when I watch animated films because I might have worked on them if things had turned out differently, and I said no, I love these creations with all my heart and know my place is somewhere different, and that will have a place all its own. But I do get frustrated when I try to create and my body gives out on me, I'm so comfortable with discipline and work ethic, but they cannot fuel my body. They cannot give me energy. As of last Tuesday I have been on a Doctor's prescribed 6 week vacation... no work allowed. The permission is amazing, I think it is even freeing up my creativity, but I also am having a chance to feel more afraid about my decades going by. I know this won't happen as long as I am present. My constant mantra all day is "healing, healing, healing...". Whenever I feel the tug of anxiety or the pressure of doing, I bring my attention back and say "healing... healing... healing..."
And as we started, we know that sometimes there are weeks when decades happen, and I know with all my heart that someday my life will be rolling forward like a well oiled machine, and I'll be running, and racing, and dancing and chasing and leaping and bounding, hair flying, heart pounding, and splashing and reeling and finally feeling! That's when my life beeegins!!!!!
And then it will be time for a new dream.