Crazy or Divine? That's a thin line...
Matt and I met at the SIGGRAPH conference we volunteered for in summer 2010. We got along really well, but nothing came of it because we live on opposite sides of the globe. However, thanks to the magic of the interwebs, we have stayed in touch and on my birthday (Oct 11) he made me a little video. He got all dressed up in a shirt and tie and filmed himself telling jokes and saying anything to make me smile. Since then we've been chatting every day, and have had a few skype dates. He lives in Frankfurt, right now, so that's even a little further than the UK but I guess over the internet it doesn't matter.
He makes me smile, our conversation flows so easily, and seeing his face on line just makes me so happy. It's one of those things that not one single neuron in your rational brain can explain, but something in your gut just keeps saying "this is right".
Long story short, we decided yesterday that yes, in fact, this is a relationship, and trying to deny it or question it any longer was just impossible. The only way I can describe it is that it is totally like my life is now a runaway train. I can either fret with worry and fear, or I can enjoy the ride. Last night I started getting overwhelmed with the thought of having to somehow save money and travel and Windows ME and snowball thinking took over, making me feel worthless again for not being able to give everything I want to... what's going to happen? how is this going to work? what am i going to do?
I did my prayers, meditation, EFT, and finally relaxed into what was happening. When I did... something very strange happened. I'm not really sure if I was laughing or crying... maybe it was both, but I just sat there... cry-laughing for a good half an hour, realizing "What in the good earth makes me think that I have EVER had any control over any of this?! Everything that has happened this last year has beeen a complete and total miracle, happening DESPITE all my doubts and fears! WHO on EARTH am I to think that I have ANY say in what is happening!" I just was totally flabberghasted by the humour of it all. The song "Jesus take the wheel" came into my brain and I started laughing even harder. I threw up my hands and said "YEP It's YOURS ! It's always been Yours! I'm just here for the ride!"
I continued to get ready to finally go to bed and in my brain I just had the happiest, most relaxing thought, "Just be. Stop doing. Just be. We've got this."
Thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep for hours, as soon as my head hit the pillow I was fast asleep and had the most refreshing 7 hours I have had in a very long time.
I want to end with this quote from Elizabeth Lesser that always reminds me to shut the hell up and just sit and be for once.
"I made the ritual bow to the Buddha statue and noticed his half-smile, his round belly, his relaxed shoulders. His expression was so kind, as if he was saying "there there. come. sit and rest. You don't have to try so hard. You don't have to rush anything. Take a seat and see what happens."
and then I saw one more quote today that seemed very fitting. Another great reminder:
"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." - Benjamin Franklin