epic fail isn't so bad i suppoze

Been having a rough few days feeling like my throat is trying to jump out of itself, and every time I have a little setback like this it makes me feel like a big ol failure of life. Thanksfullyyy for the internetz, the Epic Fail Blog (where i went to find fellow failures) has cured my blues and made me feel like one of the top 1% of smarties in the world.

Also reading Viktor Frankl's "Mans Search for Meaning", and tho while the stories reiterated about his experience in Nazi concentration camps should be dark and twisty and make me feel even more like a failure at life, he does such a beautiful job of pointing out the strength and beauty of subtle moments of our free will and re-iterates how freeing letting go of trying to control fate can be. I've been putting this book off since I got my reading list in August because wwII stories are so so difficult for me to read, but this is actually so very enjoyable and light hearted even in the darkest moments. It helps me to realize this tough journey I'm going through has meaning and purpose, and I always have free will to choose how to respond to it.

In my off-work hours I've been trying to do more drawing and studying up on story and film and animation and stuff, but it's been too much for me, as you can see, I look like Flu Kitty now. I'm too anxious to get back to LA and start my "real life" but taking Frankl's advice I know I can let go of the reigns of fate for now and concentrate on my original goal (to have stellar vibrant health so that this summer I can go rock climbing or something), and I have the rest of my life to do what I was always meant to do, whatever that is. I'm letting go of the idea that I think that I know what that is.

So my creative pushing has been an epic fail. I even tried to draw for St. Patty's day but the result was so atrocious I'm not even going to post. Maybe easter's will be better.

I realize that whenever i really try to make something it doesn't work. My best artwork has come when it just flows out of my hand without me even really thinking about it. I know it's important to set time aside for the little monster Creativity to invade your brain, but I know I just am not meant to do that right now. I have a good job working with tools I love, 4 hours a day, and the rest of the time I just have to stay in my little healing cocoon until I'm climbing mountains. Or at least not looking like flu kitty anymore.


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