Monday, November 15, 2010

Cracks in the Dam

I'm at a new place in my journey... it is so strange, this journey looks nothing like I would have expected it to!
I can't claim any leaps and bounds forward from my previous state because I feel like I'm in a completely new place all together! I feel like there are cracks forming in the dam.... there is a breaking up in symptoms, beliefs, emotions, everything... there are little holes of light.... little trickles of change... and I imagine these to just get broken open wider and wider until the River of Health is flowing once again!

After reading "The Power of Now", and "A Return to Love", I have turned much of my thoughts towards .... prayer. If you had told me at the beginning of process that I would in three months be praying to God, I would have run as fast as I could in the other direction, but after reading these books I feel like someone out there understands how I in my heart have been feeling about spirituality with no way to express or share it. Once, a good friend asked me (on what looking back was one of the last encounters of our friendship) asked me if I believed in God. I took a moment to respond and said, "I believe in People". My sentiments have not changed, though now I can use the word "God", infusing it with the meaning I have in mind for ME. I don't think I'll go around preaching to others any time soon, I'll keep the relationship to myself mostly, but my faith in God is a reflection of the enormous faith I have in People; in their Power, in their Potential, in their Kindness.... and now that definition has also spread to the events of the world, and of my life.

"The world needs healing desperately....People know this, and millions have prayed. God heard us. He sent help. He sent You."


angel

Not long ago I was so confused because EFT was not showing me that I had any emotions or blockages. I felt very strange because I wasn't having any emotional responses. Now I have been able to witness those strong emotions. I have found that my beliefs around money and life have been centered around struggle and hardship; that one must struggle to work, and therefor money was hard to come by. I had this belief that the more you sacrificed yourself the more worthy you were of receiving, but I was sacrificing in suffering and in martyrdom, not in the way that sacrifice is really meant to be, "to make sacred" (which you would know is the real meaning of sacrifice if you were into dead languages or Dan Brown novels...) . Present Moment Awareness, Openness to Love and Abundance, is to sacrifice, and to make sacred. To put aside your ego, to release your worries to God, that is the sacrifice we're meant to make.

Now I practice my affirmations and prayers, "Dear God, I surrender this situation to you. May it be used for your purposes. I ask only that my heart be open to give love and receive love. May all the results unfold according to your will. Amen."

"There is room enough for everyone to be beautiful, successful, and rich."

On a physical note, I have well settled into relaxation mode and am starting to enjoy my time at home. Some days I believe that my fibromyalgia pain is essentially gone. I used to come home from school and work and slide directly into a hot bath because my body was in so much pain. Now I am taking care enough of myself that that pain has no place in my life any more.

I can leave the house about once or twice a week to have dinner or go see a movie. It takes me quite a bit of time to recover but it is worth it. I spend my days meditating, reading, playing video games (which I love!), and watching films (for educational purposes, of course, it IS my profession!)

I also make dinner most nights of the week for my parents. I know that before I moved in, there was no meal schedule in place, and they were just eating what was easy. Now I know I am contributing in some small way by making a very healthy dinner for us all as I am able to. I think it makes my parents much more peaceful.

Today is a good day, tomorrow may be another down on the roller coaster, but I use that time to just hold on, and to meditate, and to witness the ever flowing movement of life.

Little Buddha a healing gift, courtesy of Le Petit Doodler. Thanks Debra!

2 comments:

  1. Wow!!!! I almost cried. I am so happy that you are seeing that this dam that has been holding you back is breaking. I love that health is returning even if ever so slowly. I foresee a serious recovery.
    I love that you are coming into God. It's weird to begin to believe in something that you used to question others sanity about, isn't it? I love him. This last week I was in the temple and I put your name in for a prayer. I really hope you feel the love and feel the prayer working. It takes a lot of prayers sometimes, and I've been praying for you for a long time.
    I can't wait until you are all better and back to bubble bounce jenny, drawing, painting, creating, and being this bursting orb of creativity.

    p.s. Emma kicks to say "Hi Aunt Jenny! We love you!"

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  2. Thank you, Nessie. The trepidations I had about religion remain, and my strengthening of spirit does not erase the feelings I have had or experienced about religion. The people who I thought were insane are still insane to me.

    I believe there is space for community, but the spirituality I feel at this time does not call for any religion what-so-ever.

    Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I believe our kind thoughts can really make a world of difference.

    Hello to baby Emma as well. <3 Love Love!

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