Friday, August 20, 2010
Thus is the Noble Truth of Suffering
Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I'm going to be finished with my job at the end of this month and people are starting to say good bye. Some are saying "congratulations" and "bon voyage" without really understanding where it is I'm going.
I guess in some ways congratulations are in order. I've made a decision, and that deserves some credit. Bon Voyage will stick as an optimistic message as I embark on this very real and very grounding experience.
Yes, my friends, after a long achey summer full of fevers and debilitating pain, I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to take matters into my own hands and dedicate my near future to healing. So I have to move back to mom and dad's to do so, but I'll have the support of a speacialty clinic to help me regain some ground on my well-being.
I saw a form at work today for a student who is going to be an intern at DreamWorks, and I nearly just started crying my eyes out. That should be me, is all I could think over and over. Not that I deserve the internship, but that I wish I could be the one even setting my sights on getting an internship or a job at a place like DreamWorks. I would give anything to have the chance to work hard and prove myself to get into the industry I love with all my heart, and in the end really, that's what I'm doing. I have to give up the next three months of my life in order to get to a place where I CAN apply myself to the world-out-there. This will be impossible for anyone to understand who hasn't been chronically ill or debilitated, but it is so excruciating to finally admit to yourself that you are not what you want to be, and you have to face that head on. It's so scary.
Leaving LA is like walking away from my dreams and aspirations. I wish more than anything that I could stay here to persue my career in entertainment, but reality is that my body is simply not capable of completing the tasks that my mind and heart wish to.
I'm not ashamed, just in mourning. To look at myself in the mirror and admit that I need help is like looking the four noble truths straight in the eyes.
1. thus is the nobel truth of suffering.
2. Thus is the Noble Truth of the Accumulation of Suffering
3.Thus is the Noble Truth of the Elimination of Suffering
4. Thus is the Noble Truth of the Path that Leads Away from Suffering
Now I am on that path. Embracing this suffering is also the beginning of the cessation of it.
I am in deep mourning, but still am holding on to utmost optimism that this will only lead to great things.
Or maybe I'm just extra low because I gave 12 vials of blood this morning for clinic tests and I just need an ice cream sundae.