Friday, August 20, 2010

Thus is the Noble Truth of Suffering


Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I'm going to be finished with my job at the end of this month and people are starting to say good bye. Some are saying "congratulations" and "bon voyage" without really understanding where it is I'm going.

I guess in some ways congratulations are in order. I've made a decision, and that deserves some credit. Bon Voyage will stick as an optimistic message as I embark on this very real and very grounding experience.

Yes, my friends, after a long achey summer full of fevers and debilitating pain, I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to take matters into my own hands and dedicate my near future to healing. So I have to move back to mom and dad's to do so, but I'll have the support of a speacialty clinic to help me regain some ground on my well-being.

I saw a form at work today for a student who is going to be an intern at DreamWorks, and I nearly just started crying my eyes out. That should be me, is all I could think over and over. Not that I deserve the internship, but that I wish I could be the one even setting my sights on getting an internship or a job at a place like DreamWorks. I would give anything to have the chance to work hard and prove myself to get into the industry I love with all my heart, and in the end really, that's what I'm doing. I have to give up the next three months of my life in order to get to a place where I CAN apply myself to the world-out-there. This will be impossible for anyone to understand who hasn't been chronically ill or debilitated, but it is so excruciating to finally admit to yourself that you are not what you want to be, and you have to face that head on. It's so scary.

Leaving LA is like walking away from my dreams and aspirations. I wish more than anything that I could stay here to persue my career in entertainment, but reality is that my body is simply not capable of completing the tasks that my mind and heart wish to.

I'm not ashamed, just in mourning. To look at myself in the mirror and admit that I need help is like looking the four noble truths straight in the eyes.
1. thus is the nobel truth of suffering.
2. Thus is the Noble Truth of the Accumulation of Suffering
3.Thus is the Noble Truth of the Elimination of Suffering
4. Thus is the Noble Truth of the Path that Leads Away from Suffering

Now I am on that path. Embracing this suffering is also the beginning of the cessation of it.

I am in deep mourning, but still am holding on to utmost optimism that this will only lead to great things.

Or maybe I'm just extra low because I gave 12 vials of blood this morning for clinic tests and I just need an ice cream sundae.

3 comments:

  1. jenny... josh, beans and i are all are very proud of you for embarking on the journey that you speak of. it may not seem ideal to be forced to take a break from the exciting life you envision, but your body's in need of some TLC in order to ensure long-term happiness.

    we really look forward to seeing you next weekend and hope that you'll be feeling well enough to enjoy yourself...

    i believe your parents live pretty close to where we live......... that said, let's meet up sometime after your move. i mean it!

    feel better :)

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  2. OH lovely. You are so brave, amazing, and wonderful. You are the only one who can take charge of your life, of your health, of your destiny. I think if you jumped into a career right now, when your body is just not ready, that having to quit something would be worse than taking a break before you start. If that makes sense.
    I'm so excited for you to just relax and recoup, and one day to start again to find the path you are meant to be on. One day you'll find an open door that wouldn't be open if you were looking for it right now. :)
    Love you jenny. Have a wonderful, and relaxing, next few months.
    xoxo

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  3. You guys are amazing, my heart is so full! Thank you for the support and kind words!

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