Monday, April 5, 2010
Down for the Count
Today is a "2" day on my functional capacity scale, the log I keep every day regarding my energy level and activites in order to find patterns in my condition in order to some day, some how, rebuild, heal, and regain my life. "A "2" day reads: 20% energy. Severe symptoms at rest, including poor concentration; frequent rests or naps; need some assistance with limited self care activities." This means barely able to pull myself out of the tub after washing. It means having to take a break to close my eyes after 10 minutes of TV or computer. Sitting up is nearly impossible, as pain radiates through every muscle in my body. I'd be lucky if I could recall my phone number to you verbally...
My condition is more than being tired. It's not about sleepy. It's about pain, feeling deathly ill, knowing your body is screaming for you to get some help, but there is none to be offered. I know I'm not dying, and I know I'll feel a little better if I allow myself to rest but after four years of living this new and very strange life, I sometimes forget what it is my life is supposed to be about.
I want to work. I want to be up and working on my film. I want to be creating and living and taking advantage of all the amazing things LA has to offer. But today I'll be happy to microwave my dinner. Maybe I'll be able to make it up this evening to sit through a meeting at school. I'll be so happy to be up.
My twenties are not the twenties I thought that I would be living, but I have become more of the person I had always wanted to be. Sitting here waiting to heal has allowed me to develop patience and utter and full compassion. Practicing gratitude is enormously healing. I've let go of the useless thoughts of wishing things were something else, because I've learned to see the value in what is. At least sometimes. I know in the end that it will be OK if I need to rest today. The important thing is not that I conquer the world. The important thing is that I find value and happiness in my days, no matter what my functional capacity scale of the day may be.
Live a happy and abundant life.